Disclaimer: Writing and posting this account is part of my process of dealing with my Walter Knight - Teri Falini - The Room. Thanks for your grace as I pour it all out.
Written sometime during the wee hours of April It was only a few weeks ago that we saw her heart beating strong on that precious black screen.
The flicker brought confidence. But for days I had felt empty. For days I pushed thoughts away, taking comfort in the absence of scarlet. I hated to even articulate the possibility and I rationalized that it must have been the change of trimesters that made all of my symptoms disappear. And now, clothed in a faded blue gown they wheeled me to the operating theater, ceiling tiles and florescent lights passing endlessly above me.
After two days of suffocating sobbing and groaning and trying to breathe my body was weak and exhausted and my eyes were near swollen shut anyway. I was tired of crying, of feeling. I longed to be numb. I cried more. They fumbled with needles and veins and triple- and quadruple-checked my name and date of birth and had me verify signatures on consent forms. I kept right on crying. Was that really only yesterday? At some point you begin to wonder if there are any tears left.
Always more. But composure is for acceptance speeches and job interviews and thoughtful conflict resolution. I blinked as soft tears continued down my cheeks and rolled onto my neck, while kind and caring doctors and nurses met me with eyes of compassion and extended soft voices as they instructed me on what was about to take place. What difference does it make?
She snapped when I asked to know the gender of our baby. It makes no difference. Why do you need to know? My jaw dropped in disbelief and I could feel the cold stares of the others in the room toward her — willing the young surgeon to stop before I became completely undone.
It makes no differenceshe snapped again. I raged against the stranger—my enemy in sterile uniform—reminding her Ray Price - Burning Memories / A Thing Called Sadness I had just. But instead of finding their way out through words, the wailing returned instead. Not weeping born out of sadness, but sobbing and gasping of outrage and frustration, fear mixed with fire.
I was a number to her. This was a procedure to her, not a life-altering right of passage that a mother in my shoes would give anything to escape.
She returned to the room and I apologized for lashing out. And I knew that. Sadness yes, but not anger. Unable to bear it, I turned away desperately wishing I could somehow make her stop. And I knew that nurse had lost a child, too. I closed my eyes and let more tears wash my breaking heart, letting go of the stranger interfering with my peace and taking hold of The Only One Who Really Knows. It was just me. Never again One Love For Me - Lonzo And Oscar* - One Love For Me/See Saw Baby and child this child sharing form and body.
The finality was heavy. But soon, love returned. There have been oceans of tears in the hours between then and now a night has still not passedbut sitting here in the quiet of my home while my babies sleep with only the sound of crickets harmonizing with my keys, I rest in my soul. How I feel that now. Though raw and exposed, I feel covered somehow. And I realize this presence is a gift and I need it and want it and feel it and receive it.
The anguish remains but I know in my depths that One Love For Me - Lonzo And Oscar* - One Love For Me/See Saw Baby will be okay. It seems not that long ago that I was saying it first: I will be okay. Strong and fragile, we will be okay. And we were. Have I yet mentioned the Peace? I feel deeply. I love intensely.
There will come questions and wrestling and fears and insecurities. I will write and write and pray and write. And writing will be my prayer.
And I will talk about my baby, and my pregnancy, and my heartache. And I will listen. I will open my eyes again. I will try to learn. But I will also know healing. It will come. In time. And with prayer. Unhurried and One Love For Me - Lonzo And Oscar* - One Love For Me/See Saw Baby complete. I hope for it, and I will look for it. As the joy of my boys and the love of my husband and the support of my village and the Peace That Surpasses slowly saturate my bones, I will learn how to breathe and move and hope again.
Because even now—drowning in grief and pain—I can smile at how our baby was conceived: in love, with intention, in grace, and with a whisper and nudge from heaven. She was always, Lucky Bullet - John Debney - The Relic (Complete Motion Picture Score) meant to be.
I cannot understand how she was not meant to be for longerbut I do know that she was forever meant to be. Adriel Booker is an author, speaker, and advocate based in Sydney, Australia who believes storytelling, beauty, and the grace of God will change the world. Adriel has become a trusted voice in areas of motherhood and parenting, Christian spirituality, and global women's issues. She's also known for her work with the Love A Mama Collective—serving under-resourced women in developing nations through safe birth initiatives—as well as her years spent as a Bible teacher Friends & Lovers - Zelda - Golden Best / Time Spiral leadership coach.
Find Adriel Simpatica - Bud Shank - Brazilliance Vol.
2 (Arrangements By Laurindo Almeida) all social media platforms at adrielbooker or sign up for LoveNotesAdriel's 'secret posts' that aren't published anywhere else online. Beautiful, heartfelt, deep, raw. I wish I could give you a hug Adriel. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter! You are in my prayers. Oh, Adriel! My heart is breaking for your loss. There are no words.
I will be praying for you and your family. Such a raw and beautiful entry. Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks over your loss and I feel raw as I picture your experience with the surgeon. I wonder what pain has closed her off? Oh it makes me sad. Praying Jesus is near to you and you are sailing deeper and deeper into the knowledge of His Great Love for you. Oh friend. Thank you for opening your heart so fully to share your experience.
We must share so the world will know there is a deep, deep connection between a mother and her unborn child. I am praying for continued peace and rest. Wish I was there to hug you. Jessica W recently posted. Adriel, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. Thank you for writing this. I am still processing my own loss two weeks ago and your post has made a difference for me today.
I am praying for peace and healing for you. Oh dear one, nooo. It is just too sad, too awful.
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